On the Road with Caragiale

      The entire action takes place in the railway station and in various cars of the train which is expecting its passengers full of surprises.

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1. The Railway Station - sketch, the action takes place on the platform. 3 characters: Niță, Ghiță, the storyteller- 5 students (there will be 2 pairs for the roles of Ghiță, Niță) – props- 2 pints of beer, 2 suitcases.

Two pals, Niţă and Ghiţă, are sitting at a table in the beerhouse and are talking softly about diverse things. The door of the establishment opens with a bang and a new customer, a man, who is rather young than old, enters joyfully. Everything indicates that he is coming from a similar establishment, where he must have stayed a lot. The newly arrived man is looking at the people sitting at the tables, as if he were looking for an acquaintance and he is finally setting his eyes on the two pals. Walking in a manner that is more determined than stable, he is going straight to their table.

The new customer is muttering the words, skipping some syllables.

Customer: Howdy, men.

Niţă and Ghiţă: Howdy.

C.: May I?

N.: ...Please.

C.: So, I’m not botherin’ you.

G.: ...No...

C.: Were you talking about something secret?

G.: ...No!

(Silence.)

C.: My man... is it late?... ‘cause I took my watch to the repairman...

N.: A quarter to one.

C.: Is your clock set?

N.: According to the clock in the railway station.

C.: ...Now Miţa should be... What time did you say it is?

G.: A quarter to one.

C.: ...between Ghergani and Conţeşti... I let her go with my boss... (He is tapping the table hard.) Well, man, I should have a drink, shouldn’t I?... Give me a pint...

(Niţă and Ghiţă look at each other, asking each other, with their eyes, who that guy is.)

Pal (bumping his pint into the pals’ glasses and drinks): I beg your pardon... one moment. (He leaves.)

G.: Who is the pal? Do you know him?

N.: No.

G.: He is kind of a fruitcake...

N.: That’s an understatement! He’s a real fruitcake.

Pal (returning): My man, is it late? What time is it?

N.: Ten minutes past one.

P.: They are now in Titu station: eating donuts at madam Mari.

G.: Who are they, my friend?

P.: Miţa, didn’t I tell you?... Garcon, one mug.

N.: My man, who is this Miţa? Make me understand.

P.: What? Don’t you know?

N.: No.

P.: My wife, man.

G.: Well, my friend, aren’t you afraid to let her travel alone at night?

P.: Didn’t I tell you she is not alone?... she’s with my boss...

N.: Well-well, we get it, but... well, precisely... it seems ... a woman alone...

P.: Don’t you worry! Separate car... You get in, turn off the lights, draw the curtains and lock yourself in: business car, so separate car! (He winks.) You can sleep until you go past Filiaşi... Train 163... this is the best for us: train 163... (The two pals are laughing.) What time is it now?

N.: Half past one.

P.: They left Titu... They went past Mătăsaru, too. Now Miţa should be sleeping like a log...

G.: What about the boss?

P.: The boss, too... I beg your pardon... one moment. (He leaves.)

N.: He’s sweet.

G.: A Teddy bear.

N.: Wait, let’s see: what kind of a person is Miţa’

P. (coming back): I wouldn’t leave her alone! You know! A young woman should not travel by herself... There are uneducated assholes and...

G.: ... If she is also pretty.

P. (laughing): Pretty!... Miţa, pretty!... What are you talking about, man? I am sorry... Beautiful, man! stunning... Wait, let me show you... (He is searching his pockets, takes out his wallet and takes a photo from his wallet, and he gives the photo to the pals. They are staring at the photo with admiration.) Well? Isn’t she beautiful?

N.: She’s gorgeous, man!

G.: Wonderful!

P. (with pride): Well! The photo is nothing! You should see her in person, man... she’s something... Well, enough! You should see her in person!

N.: Is she tall?

P. (confidently): She’s exactly as she should be.

G.: Blonde?

P.: Gold, really gold. Look at her hair! Do you think she’s using any hair irons? No! It’s her natural hair... You should see her in the morning, cursing, because she cannot disentangle it... It’s a wonder!

N.: How old is she?

P.: How old would you say she is, looking at the photo?

N.: Maybe twenty-five.

P.: See?... and they say that photos are flattering... She isn’t even twenty-one yet.

G.: Well, my friend, you’re a lucky man! You knew what you chose... and you love her?

P.: Come on!... How can you not love her!... It’s a wonder, man, when I tell you. It’s such a comedy in our railway station! All the passengers, when the train is going by, she is turning everyone’s heads when she is sitting by the window – ‘cause we are living upstairs, in the railway station.

N.: But... the boss, where is he living?

P.: Also upstairs.

G.: Is the boss a family man?

P.: Not at all! He doesn’t want to get married; he says he does not care about women. Miţa is laughing so hard at him, it’s something! She is always teasing him, and you should see what’s nice about it, he gets upset! Once, I don’t know how she teased him, but they had a big fight – they didn’t speak to each other... for one whole day...

N.: and then?

P.: Then they made up; they had to make up, they had no other choice! If we eat together! You know, if someone sits across, at the table... it’s not possible! They were serious for a while, and I pretended to be serious, too, and the boss says: "I beg your pardon, my darling, I stepped on your foot!" and then all of us laughed...

G.: What kind of a man is the boss?

P.: Very good lad...

N.: No, I mean he’s good; but what kind of a man is he? Is he old?

P.: Not at all!... he isn’t even thirty years old... You should see, my man, such a beautiful lad! Wait, I forgot to show him to you. (He is taking his wallet out again and takes another photo out of his wallet.) Here he is. (The pals take the photo and look at it with a certain degree of jealousy.) Isn’t he?

G.: Handsome man!

P.: Not at all! You should see him in person. Taller than you and the photo doesn’t show red!... You should see him in the red cap, like that, on one side... Awesome, man! That moustache as black as night and those eyebrows! When the train is passing by, all the ladies are staring at him, they would eat him if they could! If he didn’t have the red cap, the she-devils would cast an evil eye on him!

N.: But, excuse me for asking, do you have any children?

P. (laughing hard): What are you talking about, my friend?... I’ve only been married for five months...

N.: Is that so?... then time is not wasted; you will have children...

P.: That’s what we hope for... What time is it?... take a look.

G.: A quarter past two.

P.: Now they are entering Leordeni.

N.: Well, what are you doing at the railway station?

P.: Me?... warehouse manager... Shall we have one more drink?

G.: It’s kind of late; tomorrow morning, I have a council meeting...

P.: Only one more drink... Garcon! three...

N.: and are you on holiday now?

P.: What holiday!... Why ask for any holiday! My boss is giving me permission whenever I want to leave work. I can leave even for three days; especially now, with this crisis, there’s not so much work to do!

G.: My friend, allow me to toast to the health of your wife... Cheers!

P.: Thanks!

N.: and I toast to the health of your boss... Cheers!

P.: Thanks!

G. (starts drinking, thinks of something and laughs): My friend! (Very affectionately): My friend! Let me kiss you! (He gives a kiss to the warehouse manager.) You are sweeter than honey! (All of them are laughing.) I would very much like to make the acquaintance of your boss and your wife! (With tenderness): What would they be doing now?

P.: They are sleeping like logs... What time is it?

N.: Three o’clock sharp.

P.: They entered Piteşti... The train stops for thirty-three minutes in Piteşti...

(The two pals hug him one at a time and they kiss him very affectionately.)

G.: My friend! You are a happy man!... cheers!

A.: That is true, indeed... I am happy, praise the Lord! I have a beautiful wife, lucky me! I have a good job - well! Whatever one may say, warehouse manager... there is always something to gain! What can I say about my boss! He’s like a brother, once he’s a brother-in-law, as they say!

(Both pals, after laughing hard, remain very confused.)

N.: What do you mean, brother in law?

P.: Well if he’s Miţa’s brother!... What did you think?

G.: Then, it was all for nothing...

P.: What do you mean, it was all for nothing?

N.: We were thinking...

P.: What were you thinking, my friend? Then, if he wasn’t her good brother, could it be done? What do you mean? Was I to leave such a beautiful woman... at night... with such a beautiful man?.. in a business car!... (winking) separately, so!... (laughing heartily) you know, that’s a good one!... What time is it?

N.: What do you care?

P.: ‘Cause I want to know where Miţa is now.

N. (bored): Half past three.

P.: They left Piteşti... Let’s go some place, and have another drink.

G.: Let’s not.

P.: Why?

N.: You are not funny anymore!

 

The end.

 

2. Mister Goe - 5 characters- 2 girls and 3 boys. 2 groups – 9 students. The storyteller remains. Props- 2 suitcases, a sailor’s cap. Dresses for girls, suits for boys.

For the boy to not repeat this year as well, grannie, mommy and auntie Miţa promised young Goe to take him to Bucharest on May 10th.

It is not important for us if these three ladies decide to leave their home to come to the Capital city only for the sake of their son and nephew. It’s enough that very early in the morning, well dressed, together with young Goe, they are very impatiently waiting, on the platform from town X, the express train to take them to Bucharest. The truth is that, if anyone decides to go to such an important national celebration, they must start their journey very early in the morning. The train they will take reaches Gara de Nord at ten minutes to eight. Mr. Goe is very impatient and, in a tone of command, he says with a frown:

- Grannie! Why isn’t it coming?... I want it to come!

- It’s coming, it’s coming, baby! the lady answers.

And she kisses the nephew and sets his hat right.

Young Goe is wearing a nice sailor suit, a straw hat, bearing on its ribbon the inscription: le Formidable, and the train ticket stuck by auntie Miţa under the ribbon, ‘cause "that’s how men keep their ticket".

- See how well the sailer suit becomes him? – says grannie

- Mommy, didn’t I tell you that they do not say sailer?

- Then how do they say it?

- Sailar...

- Well! You say as you know; I’ll say how I learnt. That’s how they said it in my time, when this fashion came out for kids - sailer.

- Do you see how stupid are the both of you? Young Goe intervenes. They do not say sailar or sailer...

- Then how do they say it, smart lad? auntie Miţa asks with a pretty smile.

- Seiler...

- Now then! Not everyone is as educated as you are! grannie says and kisses her nephew again and sets his seiler hat right again.

But there is no time for philological discussions: the train is arriving – it’s not staying for long.

- No!... you are not allowed to lean out of the window, little one! one of the young men tells Mr. Goe and draws him back a little.

- What’s your business, you ugly face? the little one says, yanking himself.

And, after making a face to the ugly one, he leans out the window again. But the ugly face doesn’t manage to say anything, and the little one withdraws his bare head inside, in terror, and starts screaming.

- Mommy! grannie! auntie!

- What is it? What is it? the ladies are fussing.

- Make it stop! Goe screams even louder, stamping his feet. My hat flew off! Make it stooooop!!!

After a while, the train conductor enters the compartment to see who got on the train at the last stop.

- Tickets, gentlemen!

The ladies are showing their tickets, explaining to the conductor why Goe cannot do the same thing: because the ticket was under the ribbon of the hat and, if the hat flew off, of course it flew off with ribbon and ticket and everything. But he had a ticket...

- On my word! I bought it myself! auntie Miţa says.

However, the conductor does not understand the situation, he asks that a ticket be shown to him; otherwise, at the next stop, he must make Mr. Goe get off the train. This is the regulation: if a passenger has no ticket and does not declare that he has no ticket, he will be charged a fine of 7.50 lei and he will get off the train at any stop.

- Did we not declare it? mommy cries out.

- Why is the boy guilty because his hat flew off? grannie says.

- Why did he lean out the window? I told him not to lean out the window! the ugly face says with resentment.

- It’s not your business! Why are you interfering? auntie Miţa says to the ugly face...

- Look, madam - the conductor says – you have to pay another ticket...

- Pay? Did we not pay the first time?

- and 1 leu and 25 cents in addition.

- in addition?...

- See, if you don’t stay put? says mommy and shakes Goe’s hand.

- What are you doing. sister? Are you crazy? Do you not know how sensitive he is? grannie says.

And, grabbing him by his other hand, she yanks him away from his mommy, right when the train, snapping its wheels, goes through a rail crossing. Grannie’s yanking in one sense, combined with the train car shaking in another senses, Goe loses his center of gravity for a moment and leans on his nose against the car door’s knob. Goe starts screaming... finally, they have no other choice. They must decide to pay for the ticket, that the conductor is to release from his book. Too bad about the hat!... What will Mr. Goe do bare-headed in Bucharest? and all the shops are closed!... anyone who does not know how careful and thoughtful grannie is might wonder. How could the boy leave only with his straw hat? What if it rained or if it was chilly? and grannie takes out from her bag a beret also from the le Formidable Gunners’ uniform.

- Is your nose still hurting, baby? grannie asks.

- No... Goe answers.

- Cross grannie’s heart and hope to die?

- Cross grannie’s heart and hope to die!

- Come, let grannie kiss the boy and the hurt will go away!

And she kisses the tip of his nose; then, setting the beret nicely on his head:

-  The beret looks better on him!... grannie says, spitting him against the evil eye, then she gives him a sweet kiss.

- What doesn’t look good on him? auntie Miţa adds and spits him, too, and gives him a kiss.

- Let him be! ‘Cause he’s too much!... See! A new hat and the ticket! Mommy says, pretending to be very upset.

- Let him be in good health, to wear a better hat! grannie says.

But mommy adds:

- Well, don’t you give mommy a kiss?

- I don’t want to give you a kiss! Goe says, jokingly.

- Is that so? mommy says. Forget it!... and she is covering her eyes with her hands and pretends to be crying.

- Forget it, I know you’re pretending! Goe says.

- He’s not the person to trick! grannie says.

Mommy starts laughing; she takes out something from her bag and says:

- Who is giving me a kiss... here!... chocolate!

Mommy gives Goe a kiss, Goe gives a kiss to mommy and, taking the chocolate bar, he goes out into the corridor again.

- Baby, don’t lean out the window!... He’s such a smart boy! grannie says.

- He’s amazing, on my word! auntie Miţa adds.

While Goe is eating his chocolate outside, the ladies are chatting... Now, the train is running from Crivina to Periş.

- Go see what the boy is doing outside, mommy! Mommy says to grannie.

Mommy stands up heavily with old age and goes out into the corridor:

- Goe! baby! Goe! Goe!

Goe is nowhere to be found.

- Dear me! the lady is screaming, I can’t find the boy! Where is the boy!... the boy is gone!

And all the ladies are screaming...

- The boy fell of the train! Sister, I’m dying!

But, all of a sudden, in spite of all the noise made by the train, we can hear bangs in the door of the compartment where only one person can enter.

 

3. The Visit - a sketch, another train car. 4 characters – 2 girls and 2 boys. Necessary props –a  tray, tea cups, a ball, a jar of comfiture, a sword, a drum, toys. There will be 2 pairs each - 8 characters.

     The male character: On St. John, I paid a visit to Mrs. Maria Popescu, an old friend. To congratulate her on the name day of her only son, Ionel Popescu, a very cute eight year old boy. I did not want to go empty handed and I bought a very large and very elastic rubber ball for the little boy. My attention brought a great pleasure to my friend and, especially, to her son, whom I found dressed in the gala uniform of a major of Red Hussars. After the required formalities, we started talking about weather. I commented to Mrs. Popescu that I did not see her taking a walk or going to the theater or to parties … The lady answered me that, once a woman has children, she gets tired of parties.

-Honestly, while Ionel was small, things were so and so; now, he grew up, and I have to take care of him, I have to give him an education; and you, men, don’t know how long it takes for a woman to educate her child, especially when a mother does not want to leave her child uneducated!

-While Mrs. Popescu is presenting to me her sound opinion regarding children’s education, we hear from next door the raspy voice of an old woman:

-Look, lady, Ionel doesn’t stay put!

-Ionel! madam Popescu calls; Ionel! Come to your mother!

 

Then, she says softly to me:

-You don’t know what a rascal he’s turning into… and he’s so smart… But the voice next door adds:

-Lady! Look! Ionel wants to overturn my cooking stove!… Stay put, cause you’ll get burnt!

 

-Ionel! madam Popescu calls again; Ionel ! Come to your mother!

-Help, my lady! He’s spilling the spirit! It will catch fire!

-Ionel! Mother calls again, and she stands up quickly to go after him. But, when she wants to go out the door, the little Red Hussar major comes along, his sword drawn and stops her from going any further, in a very martial pose. The mother hugs the major and gives him a kiss …

-Didn’t I tell you to stop going near the stove when she’s making coffee, ‘cause your mother will die if you catch fire? You want your mother to die?

-But – I intervene – for whom did you order coffee, madam Popescu?

-For you.

-But why do you bother?

-It’s no bother at all.

 

Madam Popescu gives another sweet kiss to the little major, she spits him against the evil eye, and puts him down. He sheathed his sword, gives a military salute, starts beating the drum with one hand and blow the trumpet. Madam Popescu tells me something; I don’t hear anything. Yet, I answer to her that I do not believe that the rainy weather will hold for long; she doesn’t hear anything.

-Ionel! Ionel!! Ionel!!! Go to the other room, baby; you are making the gentleman’s ears ring! It’s not nice, when we have guests!

And I, taking advantage of a moment when the trumpet and the drum are silent, add:

-And then, you are a Red Hussar, in the cavalry.

-Major! the proud military man calls out.

-Precisely! I say. There is no drum in the cavalry; and the major does not play the trumpet; only lower rank soldiers play the trumpet; the major gives orders and leads the soldiers, with his sword drawn.

My explanation is well received. The major dismounts, throws away the drum and the trumpet. Then he starts giving orders:

-Forward! march!

And with his sword drawn, he starts charging heavily everything in his way. Right now, the raspy voiced servant enters the room, bringing the tray with comfiture and coffee. As soon as she sees her, the major stops for a moment, as if he would like to regroup as he is taken aback by the enemy. However, the regrouping moment lapses in an instant, and the major, screaming and charging, attacks the enemy. The enemy cries out in desperation.

-Hold him, my lady, or he’ll make me fall with the tray!

Madam Popescu jumps and gets in the  major’s way, who charges furiously and sees nothing else in front of him. The servant is saved; but madam Popescu, because she was not cautious and left her neutral stand and interfered in the war, receives a fierce sword stroke in the face, under her right eye.

-See? see, if you act like crazy? You almost took my eye out … Would you have liked to kill me? Give me a kiss, so that the hurt goes away and I forgive you!

The major jumps in his mother’s arms and gives her a kiss … Mother is all healed; and I, after serving the comfiture, am preparing to sip my coffee …

-Does tobacco smoke bother you? I ask madam Popescu.

-Dear me! people smoke in our house … My husband is smoking … and… him… I think he kind of likes it.

And saying “him”, the mother laughs and indicates the major to me.

-A! I say, him too?

-Yes, yes, him! You should see him, he’s so funny with a cigarette in his mouth, you can laugh out loud … he’s like a grown-up …

-A! that’s not good, major, I say; tobacco is poison …

-Then why are you smoking? The major interrupts me working a spoon in the jar of comfiture …

- Ionel, that’s enough! Enough comfiture, baby! you’ll have another stomachache …

The major obeys, after taking three-four more spoons; then he takes the jar out in the hallway.

-Where are you going? His mother asks.

-I’m coming, I’m coming! Ionel answers.

After a moment, he comes back with the empty jar; he puts it on a table, comes close to me, takes from the table my cigarette case with royal cigarettes, takes one out, places it in his mouth and gives me a military salute, like any other soldier who asks a civilian to light his cigarette. I do not know what I have to do. His mother, laughing, winks at me and urges me to serve the major. I am giving him my cigarette, the military man lights his own cigarette and, smoking, like any military man, walks solemnly about the room. I am full of admiration, while his mother spits him against the evil eye, and tells me:

-Spit him against the evil eye!

The major smoked his cigarette up to the filter. Then, he takes the ball I had brought and starts kicking it. The ball jumps up to the chandelier hanging from the ceiling of the living room, and seriously disturbs the peace of the crystal tassels.

-Ionel! Stay put, baby! You’ll break something … Do you want to upset me? Do you want your mother to die?

But the major is focused on the jumping cannon ball and drops it: he kicks it nervously against the floor. I am taking the cup to my mouth, but, as the French say, entre la coupe et les lèvres… the ball yanks the cup away from my hand, scalding me with the coffee, which is spilled on my good duck egg blue trousers.

-Do you see what you did?… Didn’t I tell you to stay put … See? You upset our guest!… he won’t bring any other toy to you! Then, turning towards me, very kindly:

-That’s fine! It will come out… The coffee does not leave any stains! It will come out with some warm water!… But she doesn’t get to finish her sentences, and I suddenly see her face change, showing a terrible fright. Then she screams and, standing up:

-Ionel! baby! what’s wrong?

I turn around and see the major as white as a sheet of paper, with his eyes blank and his cute face twisted. His mother runs to him, but –before she can take another step- he falls flat on his nose.

-Dear me! the mother is screaming. My boy is sick!… Help! My baby is dying!

I lift the major and quickly open his coat.

-He’s alright! I say. Get me some cold water!

I give him a good sprinkle, while the lost mother is plucking her hair out.

-See, major? I ask him when he recovers; see? Didn’t I tell you that smoking is not good? You shouldn’t smoke any more!

I left madam Popescu relaxed, with her darling major out of any danger, and I got out. I put on my galoshes and coat, and I left. When I arrived home, I understood why the major had gotten out with the jar in the hallway — to pour comfiture into my galoshes.

 

4. Bubico - sketch, another train car. 3 characters- 3 boys and 2 girls. Props- 2 suitcases, one hat, one dress for the girls and suits for the boys - controller. There will be 2 pairs for each team, the storyteller remains the same. 9 students.

The male character enters the train car. A lady and her dog are there.

- Bubico! Says the lady... sit tight baby!

"Just my luck, I think to myself!... Damn you, mutt!"

Bubico calms down for a little while; it stops barking; it withdraws its head in the little basket, where the lady is covering it again with a small blanket of red wool; but it is still making muffled growls... I am very bored and recline on the couch found in front of the lady and I close my eyes. The train started moving... Passengers are walking in the corridor and talk. Bubico is growling feisty.

- Tickets, gentlemen! The conductor says, entering our compartment with a noise.

Now Bubico is taking its head very high and, wanting to jump out of its basket, it starts barking even louder than before. I give my ticket to the conductor, who is punching a hole in it. The conductor turns to the lady, who is looking for her ticket in the handbag, while Bubico is barking and whining desperately, yanking itself to go out of the basket.

- Bubico! the lady says, sit tight, baby!

And she gives her ticket to the conductor. When the conductor’s hand touched the lady’s hand, Bubico seems to go crazy. But the conductor has done his work and gets out. The lady tucks her favorite in, petting it "nicely"; I am reclining again and close my eyes, while Bubico makes a muffled growl like a distant thunder after the end of a great storm. Now, it cannot be heard any longer. I hear the sound made by a match being lighted: the lady is lighting a cigarette... The sleep is still avoiding me. Why wouldn’t I light a cigarette, too? Ah! Being in a hurry to catch the train, I forgot to buy some matches. But it doesn’t matter... I’ll ask Bubico’s mommy... I take a cigarette out of the pack, I stand up and try to go near the lady. As soon as I make a move, Bubico takes its head out of the basket and barks at me more fiercely than at the conductor; it’s barking and whining and coughing and...

- Bubico – the lady says – sit tight, baby!

"To hell with you, you bloody mutt" I say to myself. I have never seen a more unlikable and loathsome mutt... If I could, I would break its neck.

While Bubico is desperately barking, the lady gives me a light. I thank her and sit down as far as possible, for fear that I won’t be able to fight the urge to kick the mutt in the head whenever it gets out of the basket.

- You have such a nice doggie, I tell the lady, after several moments of silence, but it’s bad!

- Oh, no! he’s not bad, says the lady; until he gets accustomed to people; but you don’t know how nice and loyal he is, and he’s so smart! Well! He’s just like a man! It’s just that he’s not speaking...

Then she says affectionately to the basket:

- Where is Bubico?... There is no Bubico!...

A sentimental whine comes out of the basket.

- Should mommy give some sugar to her little boy?... Bubico! Bubi!!

    The little boy takes out its head with ribbons... Mommy helps it out of the blankets in which she is tucking it and takes it out. Bubico looks at me and growls. I am terrified by the idea that the bloody mutt is trying to provoke me and tell the lady:

- Madam! For God’s sake, hold it, so that it doesn’t come at me! I am a nervous person and I don’t know what I’m capable of... when I’m afraid...

But the lady, hugging her favorite and petting it affectionately:

- Dear me! what are you thinking?... We are good, educated boys... We are not rude like Bismarck is...

- What? I’m asking.

- Bismarck of Papadopolina’s officer.

Giving me this explanation, the lady takes a sugar lump out of her hand bag:

- Who likes sugar?.

Bubico (nicely rolling over on the bench, in spite of the train car shaking): Woof!

- Should mommy give some sugar to her little boy?

Bubico: Woof! Woof!

And it grabs the sugar lump and starts chewing it... The lady takes a milk bottle from another little bag, and she pours some milk in a glass; then:

- Who loves milk?

Bubico (licking its snout): Woof!

- Should mommy give some milk to her little boy?

Bubico (impatiently): Woof! Woof!

"Ah! I sigh deeply; go to the dogcatchers, Bubico!"

       But the lady puts the glass at an angle, near her favorite’s snout, who starts licking and licking and licking, until a passenger appears at the door of our compartment, looking inside. Bubico stops licking and starts barking like a beast, its eyes bulging out and biting the air and gritting its teeth, and coughing and...

"I’d like to see you dead, you bloody pooch!" I think to myself and all sorts of ideas are going through my mind, one nastier than the other.

The passenger withdrew from the door. Bubico calmed down. The lady pours some more milk in the glass and drinks. I feel more and more dark ideas invading my mind, tempting me.

- By the way – I say - madam, you were speaking about Bismarck... of...

- Of Papadopolina’s officer...

- Well! What is Bismarck?

- He’s a big dog... He almost killed my Bubico... Papadopolina has a little she-dog, Zambilica, very pretty! She’s living next door; we are friends; and Mister (the lady points to Bubico), he courted Zambilica heavily! (To Bubico:) You dog!... (To me:) The wretched servant, an idiot! I told her, when she took him out in the morning – you don’t know how clean he is! – I say: "Be mindful that he doesn’t escape and go to Papadopolina again, cause Bismarck is going to kill him..." the dog of the officer who rented a room at Papadopolina. (The lady is coughing meaningfully.) I don’t know what I was doing in the house when I hear yelping and screaming... I cry: "Bubico! Bubico! where is the boy?!" I am running... The idiot was bringing him in her arms; she and Papadopolina and the officer’s soldier had barely got him out of Bismarck’s teeth. You should have seen him!... a terrible mess, fainted and as limp as a rag. I say: "Dear me! my boy is dying!" Sprinkle him with some water! Make him smell some salts!... Only I know what I went through... He was ill for two weeks... I even brought a physician. But in the end, praised be the Lord! He lived... (To Bubico:) Will my boy go to Zambilica?

Bubico: Woof!

- And will you let Bismarck eat you... you, dog!

- Woof! woof!

And he jumps down from the bench and comes toward me.

- Madam! I say, lifting my feet; I am a nervous person, he should not come at me, cause...

- No, friend! Says the lady, do you not see that he wants to make friends with you? This is him: he immediately feels when a person loves him...

- Ah! I say with an infernal inspiration; ah! He feels when a person loves him... he wants to make friends with me!... Good for him!

And, while the little dog comes closer to take in my scent, I’m taking out a pack of candy that I was going to give to one of my friends in the country; I open it, take a candy out and, putting it down, very gently:

- Hey, doggie, doggie! Bubico boy! Bubi!

Bubico, wagging its tail, first comes closer somewhat shyly and hesitantly, then, encouraged by my kindness, grabs the candy nicely and starts chewing it.

- You see that the two of you became friends! The lady says, very satisfied with this closeness.

Then, she tells me everything about the favorite’s genealogy... Bubico is the child of Garson and Gigica, who was the sister of Papadopolina’s Zambilica, which means, therefore, that Zambilica is Bubico’s aunt on its mother’s side... While the lady keeps telling me the story, I, repressing my aversion and disgust in favor of a higher purpose, use the most despicable means to charm Zambilica’s nephew. And, indeed, Bubico keeps coming closer to me, until it lets me take it in my arms. I can feel my heart pounding for fear that, by some move or look, I could betray the grand plan I created in the depths of my conscience. The lady cannot be more surprised by the friendship that Bubico is showing to me, while I am striving to cultivate this friendship so dear to me, by petting and candies.

- Well, you see! How the two of you became friends... What’s up, Bubico? what is it, baby? do you love the gentleman? Do you?

And Bubico answers, cuddling in my arms:

- Woof!

- This is it, then? You betrayed your mommy?... you dog!

Bubico: Woof! Woof!

- You must be a kind man! He isn’t drawn to just anyone...

- But of course, my lady, the dog feels; it has instinct.

When I say this, the train stops in Crivina. On the platform, we can hear dogs barking and quarreling. Bubico wants to yank itself from my arms; I hold it tight; it starts barking fiercely at the car window. The train starts again, and Bubico, turning its head to the side where the dogs quarreling is fading away, keeps on barking; I am petting it to calm it down; when nothing can be heard any longer, it puts its snout up to the ceiling and starts howling... in my arms!

"Oh! Bubico – I say to myself, petting it nicely – you ugly face!... I’d like to see you turned into a pair of gloves!"

But Bubico keeps on howling.

- Madam – I say – it’s bad for Bubico to keep him so close and so tucked in when it’s so hot, it might go rabid... Right, right, it’s too hot in here.

And, saying this, I stand up, holding Bubico in my arms and I get close to the car window. I put Bubico nicely down, next to its mommy, and I open the window, leaning out to take a breath of air. Outside, the night is as black as my ideas.

- It’s good that you opened the window! The cigarette smoke will go out, says the lady.

We enter Prahova’s bridge... I turn around, take a candy and show it to Bubico, who comes near me, wagging its tail.

"By the memory of Pluto and his loyal Cerberus! I say to myself ; I swear that the people who praised dogs’ instinct lied through their teeth! It’s a lie! It does not exist!"

Bubico takes the candy from me; I take it in my arms and go near the window, lifting it next to the opening. Bubico loves the fresh air brushing against its snout. The dog sticks out its tongue and takes a deep breath.

- Don’t you drop him out the window!... for God’s sa...

But mommy doesn’t get to utter the whole sacred name of the Creator, and Bubico vanishes like a white dove in the black night, back to Bucharest, flying - to Zambilica, most likely. I turn around to the lady and presenting my empty hands to her I cry out with exasperation:

- Madam!

A roar!... The lady went mad!

- Quickly, madam, the alarm!

I take her to the alarm and show her how to trigger it. Lost in her pain, she does so highly energetically. The train stops immediately. Huge shaking. General excitement-among the passengers.

- Who? Who triggered the alarm?

- She did, I say to the train staff, indicating the fainted lady.

The train starts moving again. At Ploieşti, the lady came to her senses; crushed by her predicament, she must answer the minutes ordered on her for using the alarm. While she cries in the midst of the passengers crowded around her, I get close to her ear and, with a devilish grin, I tell her in a clear whisper:

- Madam! I threw it out, damn mutt!

She faints again... .

 

The end